My Soup Pot Is Inconclusive

By Ikenga Chronicles September 29, 2018

My Soup Pot Is Inconclusive

–Usoro I. Usoro,

Madam served me two tiny pieces of meat, yesterday. Plus, one piece of kwashiorkor-infested fish tail. Yet, I’m the headache, sorry, the head of the house, abi? Till today, she can’t explain to me who ate the fish head. Where I come from, that is not acceptable. I found out later that the pieces of meat and fish in the soup-pot were far more than her excuses. So, I declared both the soup and the pot ‘inconclusive’!

Well, someone may argue that my decision was not “fair”. But note: I am black in complexion. And if you insist that it is not constitutional, in my house, personal interest (stomach) supersedes the rule of law. If she does “nansense”, as my deputy, I will impeach her illegally like Okorocha, “by myself alone”. Let her go to Owerri High Court and get it upturned like Eze Madumere, Imo State’s deputy governor, if she can. I must get my rotten fish head and more bony meat. This one must be ‘conclusive’, I swear!

This is Nigeria (in Falz’s tone)! Where everything is ‘inconclusive’! You see, those who hate Buhari argue that he has not brought the promised “change” to Nigeria. Yet, they ignore the new lexicon introduced into our body polity under PMB. If that is not change, then nothing is. It’s an achievement, mbok! It may not replace the “unseen” WAEC Certificate, but it can sit well on the CV! Else, that CV will be ‘inconclusive’!

Yes, everything in Nigeria is inconclusive! Once the expectation exceeds the outcome, there must be conflict. And once there is conflict, it’s inconclusive. Take Buhari and the national carrier. Pre-2015, Buhari promised to shrink the Presidential fleet into a national fleet. Three years after, it has remained ‘inconclusive’. Talk is cheaper than garri!

Suddenly, Buhari promised us “Nigeria Air” (minus the “ways”). ‘Inconclusive’ and unoriginal! Even in photocopying or dusting up old ideas, Buhari is still ‘inconclusive’ Hence, just as suddenly, two months after, the idea was jettisoned. Then, excuses took over, submerging the actualization of a dream. Inconclusive! Now, Lai Mohammed, the (mis)Information Minister, is doing what he knows best – lie! He says investors’ apathy thwarted government plan to #BringBackOurNationalCarrier! But the junior Minister of Aviation, Sen Hadi Sirika, has told him to shut up because he is always “farther from the truth”! The national carrier project, we are told, “has an avalanche of well-grounded and ready investors”. Meaning that the government lied to us. Meaning FG never intended to go through with the plan. Meaning the scheme was just to create media hype for political gains.

But then, this is Nigeria! Where everything is inconclusive! Corruption fight, for instance, has derailed and even the President’s wife is enmeshed in a scandal! Aisha Buhari’s ADC, Sani Baba-Inna, was recently arrested over an alleged N2.5billion scam. Aisha, probably reacting from “za oza room” has disowned the ADC and the alleged scam. Here, excuses and explanations are getting more than the money involved. So, should we believe her? We heard so much about Jonathan’s wife and here heavy bank accounts. And we thought the word “integrity” was enough to sanitise our polity, post-Jona. But again, like in Abdulrasheed Maina (former Pensions boss); NNPC and former SGF Babachir Lawal’s cases, Buhari’s corruption war remains inconclusive! But will Baba-Inna (which means something very interesting in my dialect) have a chance to explain? If “something” happens to him (I cast and bind!), the investigation may be ‘inconclusive’.

Anyway, even recession in Nigeria appears inconclusive! The economy since Buhari came to power, has been tottering at the brink. Now, Central Bank has alerted us not to celebrate the end of recession just yet. Recent fiscal indications, it said, shows that the economy is sliding back into crisis. From 3.55%, it has dwindled to 1.95% between first and second quarters of 2018. Well, it has nothing to do with Adeosun’s fake NYSC certificate and resignation. But, of course, as usual, reasons and excuses outweigh the actual. Hence, our economic gains remain ‘inconclusive’!

This is Nigeria. Where everything is inconclusive! Labour unions are back on strike, a clear sign that welfare and job creation issues under Bubu remain ‘inconclusive’! Recurring negotiations and advertised agreements between labour and government always remain haphazardly implemented. Buhari can’t create jobs. Some of the investments he met were scared off by unconducive policies. Job loss replaced job gains. And the existing jobs aren’t being serviced, properly. The end result is a workforce with ‘inconclusive’ fate and disposition.

This is Nigeria! Where school certificates and supposedly mandatory NYSC attendance become ‘inconclusive’ by the big ogas. And they have constitutional immunity not to lose sleep from useless noise made by the citizenry. Ask PMB, Obono Obla, Communication Insister Adebayo, etc. Yet, only Kemi Adeosun had the nerve to quit her job. Oh, forget prosecution, joor! That is meant for the unfortunate and lowly; not for some untouchable officials. Justice in Nigeria is mostly ‘inconclusive’!

We hear of huge amounts meant for ecological funds in the news only. In reality, it remains ‘inconclusive’! While flood ravages our homes with increased death toll across the nation, government officials churn out excuses and unfounded claims in the media. Then, Osinbade, sorry, Osinbajo does the dirty job of acting for the camera. His job is to lie in filtered English. Then, he announces allocation of relief materials, which might never get to the victims. And, the dead, nko? Flood and environmental war in Nigeria has therefore remained ‘inconclusive’!

This is Nigeria! Where we decimate Boko Haram terrorists every month – since 2015! How they reemerge from the ashes like the phoenix is a real wonder. Each time the terrorists resurface, they get more audacious; more intimidating and more damaging. Each time, Lai Mohammed’s boasts and claims would fill the ocean. Sometimes, he technically defeats the Boko Haram. Sometimes, the army overruns the insurgents. Sometimes, the same leaders are killed about ten times, in a year. Yet, in reality, defeating the terrorists remains ‘inconclusive’!

Truth is, the only thing that has been conclusive in Buhari’s government, so far, is the spelling of the word ‘inconclusive’! Everything else remains inconclusive and requires redoubled efforts to come to a conclusive conclusion.