Love And The Mumu Button

By Ikenga Chronicles January 9, 2018

Love And The Mumu Button

— Stephen Eke

It’s amazing what love does to us especially when someone is in possession of not just our Mumu button but the full remote control. They know where to press to lower your volume when you’re getting too loud, or what to do to completely mute you. One minute they have pressed a button and changed you to news and you’re giving them gist for days, and then poof, another button and they have put you on romance channel making you all gooey and mushy with emotions. You that said you don’t like to sing, camon! Sherrup! One button and you become Sound City, powered by music, and they also know the button to press, then, channel 69, and you start; Kporokoto kpom kpom— the spirit dance.

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Love can make you see yourself in a different light. One babe, who was crazy in love with one of my guys back in the day, told him that if happiness transcended becoming a feeling to sound, his laughter would be its representation. Come and see my guy bathing in the morning or even anytime at that, looking into a mirror and just laughing to himself. We had to caution him like ‘Boy! Na so crase dey start o, ara agbawala gi

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According to my guy ONOS when he sees those tell-tale silliness associated with new love, ‘Stevo! You don monkey for this babe o’. After all if no be monkey I been dey monkey, tell me why in secondary school with my first girlfriend, they’ll be flogging my spirit soul and body and a young man will not cry because probably after hearing that popular song back then, my babe told me ‘when you cry I cry’.

A young man’s nyash will be vibrating from strokes of Mr. Adebayo’s cane but small touch that she will touch me and rub my head, I will be ok, all my pains faded away, as if her hand which I was holding, is the hem of Jesus’s garment, bringing me healing. Let me not even talk about the number of punishments I went through then because one senior was liking her and on realizing that I was the object of her affection, inflicted all his angst on me, and I, Lover boy, Ramsey Noah’s younger brother, bore it all believing that love suffereth all things. I took example from Jesus who suffered because he loved us but thinking about it now, I was a fool. How can I want to compare myself to a whole Jesus.

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Love makes you realize the extent you can go for a person, and sometimes this could be literally. Let’s say I lived in Lagos, school was in Ogun state and babe lived in Ibadan. After school, I would walk her all the way to Ibadan, then walk back past my school in Ogun state, then reach my house in Lagos. Whenever I ended my escort services at her house, I would get a hug and when I reach house to baff go dey hard me make I no comot the feeling for my body. It was quite a distance to trek but I consoled myself because love goes the extra mile.

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When you love someone you can do anything to make them happy. Things you’ll lick sand and swear never ever, you’ll do them and thunder will not strike you. After all a young man, who may or may not be me, haff calm down and washed bra and pant because babe was sick and on her period. Something that this mystery young man always used to see in Nollywood as after effect of eating jazz that has been put inside the actor’s favorite soup. But there he was, legs spread, sitting on a stool in the bathroom, whistling, washing, checking to see if it haff cleaned well, rinsing, hanging and pegging undies, and joy like a river was flowing through his heart like someone that the lord did a great thing for; toonu Chineke ei!

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Love is the best cream you can use. When you’re with someone who makes you happy, you glow. It brings out your colour. The world is all stardust and fairy tales. Their calls make you giggle, you want to know them more, be with them, you just want to melt into them and become one.

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But love also hurts and we handle it differently. A mystery young man, who may or may not be me, after receiving his rejection letter, ate FUFU. It was as he was about to ask for the eleventh wrap, that his friends stopped him. Charley! It is with deep regret that we inform you that fufu cannot fill the hole in your heart.

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Some others lick ice cream even if it’s with their last card. Some cry. Some don’t shed tears on the outside but inside them, Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me A River” is playing on repeat. For some others, after a while, the water work stops but something small triggers it even after being suppressed for long. Like a babe I met at a party in IMSU and was rocking. Babe was grinding me like fresh tomato and me sef hold the waist like we go die here today. We decided to get to know each other as we were on the dance floor. When I told her my name, she started shouting and crying ‘go away! Others have sent you okwaya? Not again! Not again’. I later realized that two other Stephens had dabarud her heart and she was not about to let it happen again. I just walked away, like the grinded tomato that I was, knowing they won’t use me to make stew.

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Some of us get angry and do crazy things. My friend’s babe hired people and distributed posters around school with his picture. It had BEWARE OF THIS HEARTBREAKER and a poem; “Roses are red, Violets are Blue, Beware of Metu, He will fuck and leave you.”

 Dear Lover, Let’s Make A Plan For Love

The feeling from being loved or being in love is second to none. It makes life a phantasmagorical (their daddies! We sef know big words) place to live in. And I fully understand how love that has gone sour makes life bleak, etches disappointments deep in our beings and makes one feel like ending it all but that isn’t the way to go. Somehow we must keep hope alive hard as it may be, because like everything else in life with its ups and downs, it all comes good at the end of the day, if we keep willing it to and keep trying and striving.

So make them break the heart, scatter am, stretch am like pant no níro, bend am like rubber band, we shall take a cue from Ijebu Garri. No matter what happens, it always rises.

 Fine Outside; Ugly Inside

So don’t get it twisted charley!
Love hurts, love is crazy, but all in all,
Love is a beautiful thing.
Love paints life in brilliant colors.
Love is all we need to survive and co-exist in this country.
Show some love.

(Gulps Wobe Juice)

Uncle Stephen (Profett)

*Stephen is an engineer most times working off an offshore rig in far-flung places in Nigeria but pens humorous stories about life, love, work, family and God sometimes on his blog, when his supervisor isn’t watching… He can be reached @itsunclestephen on all social media platforms