From The Lunatic’s Pad: Buhari’s All Purpose Cleanser

By Ikenga Chronicles January 31, 2017

[Venue: A market place. A man walks in, a bundle in the right hand. There’s a megaphone in the right hand. He sets it carefully on the floor. He also places the bundle on the ground, opens it partly, and pulls out a broom. He sweeps an area, extending just a little beyond the stretch of the broom and his hand, and stands full length with the megaphone.]

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you good news. I bring you news of a discovery the Western world cannot boast of. I bring you news from the Giant of Africa, the original, one and only Nigeria. 

In recent times, we have been hit by recession. We have been maligned. We have been insulted because things have not been going the way they should. You see, that’s normal. People must talk. People must complain. 

You’ve heard that Tuface will be leading others on a protest. This is a democracy. It is allowed. People should be allowed to air their views. Some must complain, some must praise, but as a patriot, I look out for the good. 

Yes, that’s what differentiates us. That is the demarcation between those who truly love this country, and those who love her for personal benefits. You can call me The Patriot, the only man who loves his country so much that he is always on the lookout for something good about her. That’s how in the midst of the complaints, the cries, the accusations and counter accusations, of people gaining and losing jobs, of people getting married and people breaking up, of churches losing members and gaining some, I have seen this amazing thing.

Our country is blessed. Ladies and gentlemen, we have discovered a cleanser in this country. A cleanser that does everything Western innovators never imagined. It is stronger that the best cleanser you’ve ever seen. It has more weight than the Certificate of Papal Indulgence. It cleanses guilt, moral burdens, negative tags, crimes, everything! 

If you’re accused of stealing, I mean real theft in the range of a people’s commonwealth, this cleanser will cleanse you. If you murdered someone and you’re standing trial, get this cleanser and you’ll get a new life. If the government had bad things against you, don’t worry, get this cleanser, and you’ll be free. 

My people, I present to you…’

[He puts his hand in the bundle, pulls out a beautifully painted broom, and continued]

‘…this beautifully painted broom. No matter your dirt, take this, and you’ll be as beautiful, devoid of all dirt, as this broom. 

My good people, this is all you need to do anything in this society and go scot-free. This is the balm, the remedy, the soothing cream, our latest invention from the Giant of Africa. This is the All Purpose Cleanser, also called APC. 

  • “From The Lunatic’s Pad” is hosted by Dum Syl Aminikpo, and is published every Tuesday on Ikenga Chronicles. Mr. Aminikpo is on Twitter as @dumsyl 
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